fembaker

Life, love amd baked goods

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about

I have been a baker, chef and cake decorator for over 50 years. I love cookbooks and have a large collection. I like to be creative and be challenged by new ideas. I am semi-retired, not neing able to be idle for long.

  • Loss

    It’s been 6 days since I lost my husband to pancreatic cancer. Six days of endless loops of memories and decisions. How do you start over after spending 50 years with the same person? Fifty years is a lifetime. A lot of people don’t even live that long, let alone spend it with just one person. I haven’t been free of responsibilities and sharing with another person in over 50 years. How do I start over, start a new life?

    I find myself stopping when making plans, to consider what my husband is doing. But he’s not there any longer. The last 9 months I have been in a kind of stasis, living only for him and his illness. The last couple weeks were spent in 3-4 hour intervals of needing to check on him, give him his meds so he was comfortable. Making sure he was still breathing. Now it’s just me. I have not lived this alone for over 50 years. How do I do it?

    My real name means “warrior maid”. I have always tried to choose my battles by determining if I could win them, or at least come out of it somewhat unscathed. But this battle I didn’t choose. It chose me. Now I have to determine how I will win it. I have spent the last few days remembering the life that is now gone. The grieving process began 9 months ago after we got the diagnosis. It’s been a slow and painful process at times. We discussed a few times the things I would do going forward but the reality is more harsh. Only I can make the decisions now. I don’t have him to help me weigh the consequences or figure out the next move. It’s just me.

    Just me. Those words echo through my brain again and again. I don’t know what just me feels like. Yes, I have family and friends around me that love me and support me. But it’s not the same as your partner being there. The connection isn’t the same. They can hug you and squeeze your hand, but it’s not the same as a person you share so much history, love and passion with. It can never be the same. My husband told me that I would find someone else after he was gone and I told him no. How can I find someone else that will compare to him? No one will ever be able to share the history, the emotions and events that shaped our years together. I don’t want to “find” someone else. No one could ever live up to what we had and it would be a disservice to them to even try. Besides I have never “needed” there to be someone else in my life. I loved him because I wanted to.

    Despite the hardships we faced, and there were many, I loved him. He was not an easy person, not at all. There were many things I didn’t do over the years because I always weighed out the consequences of how it would affect him. What his likes and dislikes were. Not because of his temper or not wanting to hurt his feelings. He was always angry so what I did had little effect on that. He didn’t like being around people much so I attended many things alone. It was my choice to go or not go, it was my choice to consider him without fail. Because I loved him. Because we had a life together. I was my own person and will continue to be. But he meant the world to me. Since he has been gone, I have come to realize the weight of my decisions all those years. The things I missed out on, the things I didn’t do. But I would do it all again to have him in my life.

    Loss is hard. So many things we don’t realize until it’s gone. And we can never get it back. The pain is real but it helps me to focus on what I need to do going forth. These past few days have all been about transition, rebirth and a future I never anticipated. I never saw the end coming until I was forced to. Now as I face a new future, I wonder what it will be. How do you go on after 50 years with someone always there? I don’t know yet, but I’m going to find out. To the journey ahead.

    Be well my friends.

  • This is my world

    I am nearing 70 years of living. I have been and done a lot of things in those years. Some I am proud of and some not as much. But all of my experiences have made me who I am, so I embrace it all, good or bad. I am not always a happy person but I have been working on it more and more. These days I am focusing more and more on memories and what my life is full of now.

    My husband of 50 years was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in December. Both of his parents died from cancer and so it was not a shock that he now has cancer. Just not this one. Pancreatic cancer is the most insidious cancer, in that it is almost always fatal within 6 months to a year. We are at the 6 month mark now. In the last 6 months, I have watched as my husband is slowly fading away. He has lost a lot of weight since his diagnosis. He started at 225 lbs. and now hovers around 185.

    We went to the gym and worked out about 3 times a week before he got sick. He quickly was unable to go any more once his illness hit. The muscles he had so proudly been working on, quickly went away. His strength has gone downhill as fast as his weight has. There are days when he can barely get out of bed. Some days he cannot eat, because the taste and texture of some foods are all wrong. Then the fact that he isn’t eating has shrunk his stomach to the point he cannot eat much. The only thing that appeals to him sometimes is just sweets, which isn’t good since he is a diabetic.

    I spend my days worried that at any time I might find him gone. Every time he sends me an urgent “help”, I fear it may be the last time. I know what’s coming. I have dealt with death many times. I have lost many people in my life. But it never gets any easier. Every day I deal with the grief a bit at a time. There are days that I am fine, when I ignore what the future will bring. Then there are days when every little thing makes me want to cry. Sometimes tears fall, unbidden and unknown. Anything and everything can make it happen. Memories. A remark that reminds me of something we have done. Or something heard that is a premonition of the future. It’s uncontrollable. But a process that will hopefully make it easier to deal with when the time actually comes.

    I have sweet memories of times we spent together. But it’s not all rosy. I remember the good and the bad. Because all of those things make up the 50 years we have spent together. The fights, the anger, the hurt feelings. The unforgettable moments of connection, of love, of tender times shared. All of it. The little gifts he has given me over the years, most of them not for any special reason. We may not celebrate all the anniversaries or birthdays, but we share tender times in between and that’s what matters more. If you only remember to do something special on the recognized days, you miss out on all the other days and what they mean. As I get older I realize more and more just how precious all the other days are. Going in to an uncertain future I hope the journey is not too painful.

    Be well my friends.